Category: Marriage

falling out of love-Retrouvaille Bengaluru

Fallen out of Love| How to make your marriage successful

The Romance:

Romance- Retrouvaille Bengaluru

 

Remember when we first met our spouse? Some of us met our love probably as part of the arranged marriage deal. It may not be love at first sight; like, how most Bollywood movies show. But somewhere; along the path you learned to love and it was beautiful.  For others, it was love at first sight. We could not get enough of each other. The long hours of phone calls, the meetings, dressing up for them. Oh! how there was butterflies in your stomach by just seeing them. During the courtship phase or early marriage we always put our ‘best foot forward’. You think falling in love was the best thing that could have ever happened to you! Those little quirky things your partner did or you noticed hardly bothered you, in fact you may have found some of those habits cute. You cannot wait to start your life together. Once married, those initial months/years is beautiful. Life could not get better than this! 

 Disillusionment:

Disillusionment -Retrouvaille Bengaluru

 

Fast-forward to a couple of years to a few, you are married. Remember the time, where he/she would leave everything to come and meet you? Now you hardly talk for 5 minutes over the phone during the day. Thanks to the Indian corporate culture; for the majority of us, our jobs steal us of our time and energy. There is hardly any 9 to 5 job! On any given day it’s a good 10 hours + of work and let’s not forget the commute.

He does not take you out anymore or compliment on the new haircut. He’s just either on the phone or on a game or TV and winds up his day. She impressed you with her cooking of your favourite meal, took that extra effort to take care of you, she hardly notices you and you feel she is behind the kids all the time.

All those quirky behaviours of your partner now seem to annoy you. Where once your spouse would speak up for you is putting you down. You slowly realise the differences between you two. Your spouse’s upbringing is very different from yours. Your plan and ambition is different from that of your partner. A good example, you may be taught to save; you are always thinking of 20 years from now. Your spouse could be a ‘live-in-the moment’ person and does not even think of saving.

This creates a friction and this could be one of the many indifferences; suddenly, your marriage is shaken, this was not how you imagined it to be! This was not what was promised! The reality seems to be very different from that fantasy marriage you dreamt of.

Misery:

Misery -Retrouvaille Bengaluru

 

This gradual set of events have worn you down. The pain and disappointment in your spouse is huge. The frictions have turned into fights and seems to be frequent. Some of us instead of fighting get into depression or move into quietness. We want to avoid the fights but the unhappiness does not seem to go away. We are almost like married singles; each of us doing our thing. The lack of intimacy has made it worse on the marriage.  Somewhere, around this time we turn to our friends, family, confidantes, social groups not surprisingly even to google.

You don’t want a divorce, that is not how you dreamt of the marriage but not surprisingly this has sprung in your head a few times, some of your friends/ family may even have encouraged you to do so. Then, we think of the kids and to some extent the society and try sticking on to our unhappy marriage. Does this mean the end? Not necessarily!

Awakening to Joy:

Awakening to joy- Retrouvaille Bengaluru

 

‘Most people whose marriages end in divorce are not bad people. Rather, they are often people who never learned the proper tools for a happy marriage. This is where Retrouvaille can help.

Teams of couples who have experienced all four Stages of Marriage present the Retrouvaille program. Instead of giving up, they found solutions. In Retrouvaille, they learned the tools they needed to improve their communication so that they may live in a happy and harmonious marriage. They learned that marriage does not follow the Romance and “Happily Ever After” formula portrayed in literature and media.  Rather, they find that there are certain learnable skills, attitudes and tools that they can use to deal with the inevitable problems of the real world and the difficult struggles that a marriage will face.

These skills, attitudes and tools give them what they need to move from the third Stage of Misery into the fourth Stage of Awakened Joy. Learning to have a relationship with unconditional acceptance and to feel valued for who you are is a mark of being in this stage of Awakening. The ability to be able to share yourself and be appreciated for being yourself is a joyful feeling.

Awakened Joy changes the way you live together, speak to each other, and interact with each other on a daily basis. It is a continued peace that comes from open and honest communication. It is the realization that while love is not perfect, just as we are not perfect, that it is in fact resilient and your relationship can be stronger than ever.

Whether you are in the Disillusionment Stage, grieving the loss of that magical Romance, or if you have moved firmly into the Misery Stage, Retrouvaille can give you the marriage help you need to ‘rebuild your marriage.’

Being happily married need not necessarily be a myth, it can be achieved. Contact us to know more.

Retrouvaille India

Is Retrouvaille only for catholics/Christians?

We are often been told, “This is a christian institution, so this must be only for catholics or christians”.  So, is Retrouvaille only for catholics/Christians?

The short answer is No. Retrouvaille is for every married couple irrespective of their beliefs, religion, caste or creed.

Retrouvaille India

Retrouvaille focuses on the marriage and not religion. It is a skillfully crafted three phase program that primarily focuses on your spousal relationship.

Retrouvaille, however is a catholic based not-for profit organization and we do have a catholic priest along with our presenting couples to run the program.

What we are not:

No conversion:

Retrouvaille India

We are not looking to convert anyone nor answer questions on Christianity. Our intention is to help couples who are looking to build their relationships with their married partner, and we also cater to hurting couples who have considered separation or divorce. We provide an environment for couples to enhance, mend and heal- no matter what phase you are in your marriage.

It is not a retreat/vacation:

retrouvaille india

While we may conduct our services in a hotel/suitable accommodation, this is not a couples retreat/ vacation! So no, there is no spa services but yes we will try our best to make you comfortable for you to attend our program and we will provide a peaceful environment throughout our program.

Not a meditation center:

retrouvaille india

We are also not a meditation center with a ‘quick-fix’ inner peace. Unfortunately, marriage does not work on a quick-fix and we don’t do that here.

Not expected to share:

retrouvaille india

You are also not expected to share any of your problems with any of the presenting couples, we respect your privacy but we do greatly encourage to share and communicate with your life partner and will support you through our three -phase program.

Retrouvaille aims to inspire every couple attending our program who use our unique tools and techniques make a complete benefit out of it. By attending our program, we will help you to connect with your partner and provide a platform for a deeper level of communication. We also provide you a peaceful set up to dialogue with your partner. It is advisable to complete all three phases to make full advantage of retrouvaille.

So the long answer is; Retrouvaille is for all! Our focus is on marriage irrespective of what your religion or belief is!

Contact us for any further information, we are happy to help!

In-laws and Marriage Retrouvaille Bengaluru

In-laws and Marriage | Top 5 reasons parents involve in your marriage

Marriage is a sacrament, a vocation two people choose to be “one” until death do them apart. Marriage is one of the important relationship as a matter of fact, the first relationship God established on earth.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2: 24

Most marriages are two separate individuals brought up in a different environment; have a different background from that of a spouse; these two differently individuals are then united in the sacrament of matrimony. Most long term married couples know while courtship is all sweet, sugar and spice; when it comes to marriage it is the ‘real deal’. There is bound to be differences, you are working your way out to know each other and grow as a family.

So are in-laws a negative influence on your marriage?

In-law and marriage

It depends, to address this, one must understand the basic concept of parent and child. They have been nurtured and cared for your spouse and the bond of trust between the parent and a child is strong. Most parents tend have a protective instinct no matter how adult the child is.

When differences arise, the probability of you resolving the conflict on your own is a lot higher; as you are part of the conflict, you understand the precept in which things are said. When a spouse goes to their parent for counsel, it naturally tends to be one-sided and gets heated up and they meddle in your marriage making it worse than it actually was.

Top 5 common reasons parents involve in your marriage:

  • The protective instinct of a parent to avoid their child being hurt from the son/daughter-in-law makes most in-laws to be involved, this does more bad than good. Learn to resolve your issues and work on them without  involving either set of parents, this is possible through good communication.
  • Jealousy: This is also one of the common cause and sadly a dangerous one. They tend to miss your connect with them and now there is ‘someone else’ that is grabbing your attention. It is crucial for the couple to set boundaries at the same time allow the spouse to spend time with his/her set of parents. The frequency of the meetings need to be agreed upon by both spouses.

 

  • You are not them: The idea that you are doing it differently than them can set them off. They used to ‘run the place’ and things were done in a certain way. Sometimes, they may try to teach you on how it needs to be done, if that method is simpler and effective than yours be humble about it and thank them for the guidance. If it is something you are uncomfortable about let them know gently that you prefer it your way.

 

  • Enemy : In harsh cases, they don’t like you and your association with their child. They are probably “putting up with you”, chances are they have clearly communicated this to you. This is a tough one and you may feel a sense of rejection and that feeling of rejection may dominate your behavior with them. Which is natural and we get you! However, there is no good that would come out of it. The first thing you need to do is accept the “spouse parents and their rejection” and forgive. The healing process would do you more good than for them. The second thing would be to have an effective communication to your spouse on the situation; it is wise for them to handle the situation and confront it and lay the boundary.
  • Genuinely trying to help: There are a good number of parents who are genuinely trying to help! They believe they have immense experience and wisdom and want to share that with you or spouse. As much as they have good intentions; they fail to realize you and your partner are not them! You both are a different couples with your own ideologies and have own set of issues that is different from theirs. It is important you gently set a boundary and explain to them light-heartedly that you both are figuring it out in your own way.

 

I heard a wise woman once say “ if your marriage is in place, everything else is in place”. This stuck with me and thought to myself ‘how true!’ We cannot deny that marriage in essence brings two families together; we cannot hold on to ‘only the spouse’ ignoring his/her family. We need to accommodate them. To do this, the two core pillars –the husband and wife needs to be strong and should be of a solid foundation. This is achieved through trust, love and effective communication.

At retrouvaille, this could be attained! When you attend our weekend program; you are encouraged to discover or rather re-discover each other. We teach you techniques on effective communication resulting in deepening and strengthening your marriage. Get in touch with us for more information about the program

Emotional Affair- Retrouvaille India

Is emotional affair an infidelity? | Top 5 signs of emotional affair

You are happily married and you love your spouse! Recently, have you been saying it more so often more often to reassure yourself than someone else? Is someone else other than your spouse in mind more often than you’d like to? Are you looking forward to that person’s texts, calls or better still, the idea of seeing him/her in person gets you excited. You brush off that annoying thought that is trying to guilt trip you; ‘I am only meeting him/her, it’s not anything physical! ‘

Emotional Affair- Retrouvaille India

So what is an emotional affair?

It typically starts with an acquaintance and move on to friendship; this relationship is further sustained with emotional investment that grows stronger in time creating a level of intimacy between the parties. Although this starts as a non-sexual in nature; majority of this relationship typically ends in a sexual affair.

Why is this an emotional investment? We each only have certain amount of emotional energy to give. When we spend that on someone who is not our spouse, we often don’t have anything to give to our loved one. Leading to marital frustration and distancing between partners. While an emotional affair seem to be a harmless thing in the begining it does impact one’s marriage.

Top 5 signs of emotional affair:

  • Lying: You lie to your spouse or omit your meeting with “other-one”; when talking about your daily errands. When confronted, there is a high chance of blatantly lying rather than accepting the truth. You even tend to show annoyance for being questioned and typically tend to answer “We are just friends”.

 

  • Extra shopping: You want to ‘look good’, remember the time during your courtship period with your spouse you took that extra effort to look good. A person with an emotional affair tend to take the extra effort to look good for the other person. You tend to shop a lot more than usual and want to ‘look good’ for this other one.

 

  • He/She is in control of you: You keep thinking of this person often – waking up and when going to bed and during the course of the day; You cannot wait to tell any events/happenings of your life to this person. Your mind is completely preoccupied about this person that you have less space for anyone else including your spouse and children.

 

  • Communication: Calls, texts and video chats exchanged during the day and sometimes at night is a whole lot higher with this person that you hardly have time for your spouse. The frequency of communication is higher with this other-person resulting in drastic decrease in communication with your spouse. They are probably know your inner-thoughts, history and personal details as the sense of sharing is higher with this person.

 

  • Comparison: The person who has an emotional affair often feel the other person understands them better than their spouse. There is an unintended comparison between the other-one and the spouse; while the other one is becoming a star in your mind; the spouse is despised. You feel your spouse does not tend to you or give you attention the way the other-person takes care of you.

 

An emotion affair just like a physical affair can wreck your marriage. Like any affair, while it does give a temporary feel-good thing attached to it. It is not the reality. It is a make-believe bubble which fits your fantasy. Unfortunately with time, this bubble will burst taking away your fantasy and harshly your spouse too.

How Retrouvaille can help you?

Retrouvaille is a not-for-profit organization that has a structured program in place; designed to help you and your spouse learn communication skills that will help bring back that connection with one another.

At Retrouvaille, you are not expected to share your personal problems with anyone but rather greatly encourages you to bond with your spouse and teaches you communication techniques that helps in bringing your marriage as a focal point in both your lives.